Oh Colombia, many times seen as the dream land, the paradise for every single man looking for real women with challenging personalities and accentuated curves. If there is a prototype of the pure Latina, then surely the Colombians (perhaps along with the Venezuelans, but that title only comes from the perception we have from the “Miss World” contests) are the ones who own that title. But when something is too good to be true, it probably is, as this women’s quality and sensuality comes with a price, which I will tell you about a few lines below.

As a guy who speaks fluent Spanish, loves the Latin rhythms (salsa on the top of the list) and who always had some affairs with Latinas, in 2016 I knew that there was no other alternative than visiting the country where silicon is king and all the queens are either looking for it or proud about it.

But one thing is theory, the other one is reality and, as you can check in my Colombian Diaries from last year (1, 2, 3, 4 and 5), most of the times I went out at night the results were acceptable at best. Even so, since this country had somehow seduced me in different ways, I took the decision of coming back this January, to check Bogotá, Manizales and Pereira, cities I had not been before. And while Bogotá is a different beast – I will leave my thoughts on it to the end of this article – the other two cities just proved what the other five cities (Cali, Medellin, Cartagena, Santa Marta and Barranquilla) had already clearly showed: that Colombia is one of the worst (free) countries in the world for picking up women at night. And these are the reasons why:

People go out in mixed groups

If cockblocking is normal in most of the countries, in Colombia it is taken to a whole new level. While somewhere in USA or Spain you are talking to a hottie and suddenly the fat girlfriend of the beta-orbiter male friend shows up to totally fuck up the interaction, here you do not even have to bother about that. Why? Well, since the group is usually closed, in 95% of the cases you will not even have the opportunity to break into it and start a conversation with that cute brunette.

In the land of coffee, social circles play a major role in regard to relationships among people, and going out at night is no exception. People go out together to drink and to dance together. Basically, to have fun whom they feel confident with (might be some reminiscence from all the insecurity and violence which ravaged the country in the 90s and 00s). It is the total mindset of “Us vs Them”, in which the latter are just strangers, a bunch of people who do not matter. Unless, of course, that person is introduced by someone who is already inside the group: in this case, all the doors open to a world where all the ladies within it suddenly become nice and available.

The bars and clubs are filled with tables

First, let us go back to basics, which is the same as saying logistics. Logistics is everything nowadays. If you live in a city and you are one hour away from the center and from your workplace, you are already losing in the first place. Everything which hampers your wellbeing and mobility is considered bad logistics. And when going out at night, this is one of the most important factors you must look for.

But while in most of (the normal) places the only thing you need to make sure is to rent a nice apartment close to the area where the party is, in Colombia that can actually mean nothing. First of all, as you could understand by my introduction, this country is one of the worst I have been in case you are looking for ONS (One Night Stand). As referred in the previous point, girls go out in mixed groups and generally they are slut-shamed if they leave the club with another man.

In any case, this could be a minor “difficulty”, compared to the one which is the logistic itself of the bars and clubs in Colombia. They are literally filled with tables, which impedes not only that you interact with other people but also, and absurdly, that you walk around the place in a proper way. The result is that almost everyone is sitting down, limiting their party area exactly to the one around the table. More than that, aside from the toilet, is inhospitable territory which almost nobody risks stepping.

Bottles are the norm

Taking into consideration this last point, to have a club filled with tables also means a very obvious thing: that when you sit down for a long time, you usually ask for bottles. Conversely, you neither stand up nor walk around. If a bar or club is structured to have a lots of tables, even spread on the dance floor, than it is only logical that people will ask for bottles and drink them within their group. And while in the night you and I are used to this is reserved to a limited group of people – the ones who are in the VIP area, while the great majority asks a single drink in the bar and then wanders around the club – in Colombia this is the norm. Actually, you will even be seen as social retard or even miserable if you enter a place, go to the bar to ask for a drink and then walk with it around the club.

While in Ukraine or Russia women first sit down, to get wasted with their endless sparkling wine bottles, and then stand up sharing their inner slut with the men who are either lucky or brave enough to approach them, in Colombia a girl just stands up to dance with the guy friend or boyfriend whom she is with…to then sit down again.

Girls do not go out alone

I believe that only a couple of times, in the club Frogg in Barranquilla or in a bar in Pereira, I saw a group of girls having fun on a table without any guy on their side – even so, they were closed as hell, giving me or any guy who tried to approach zero chances to develop any conversation. There is this common belief among Latin people, especially within Colombian social circles, that when a girl goes out alone or with girlfriends, then she is a slut and wants to have fun with as many men as she can (well, not further from the truth, but let us leave that for another discussion). And contrary to what happens in most of the western world countries, in which slut shame is reducing and girls encouraged or even praised for riding the cock carousel, here they are still looked after and judged by other men.

Is this a good thing? Yes, totally, as it keeps society more balanced and most of the traditional values kept. However, for visitors like us who are looking for fun and instant gratification, then frustration is most likely the only thing you will take home, after a night of drinks taken in vain.

The Exception

Some years ago, I used to think capitals were the worst a single guy could choose in case he was looking to seal the deal: after all, capitals are usually where women are more educated and more aware of what is going on in the world and also where most of the tourists/foreigners come to. But, after many (frustrating) trips looking for easy pussy in second tier cities, I have realized that it is indeed in big cities that women are more willing to go for quick action, as there many have this mindset that they are independent and can do what the hell they want.

So after some disappointing results in 2016/2017 in the country of cumbia and salsa dura, I decided that there was no other option than checking how Bogotá would be, a city known for being huge, cold and dangerous, but whose nightlife theoretically compensates all of these factors.

I arrived on a Friday and understood that, after talking to some people, the city would be half empty for that weekend, as it would be holiday on the following Monday. I had this first reaction of “shit, now that I am finally here I come upon this very unfortunate circumstance of not having the possibility to explore the city in its full potential”. But then I thought, “well, but if there are so many people, fuck that, there will still be some action for sure”.

My friend Luis and I arrived already after 9 p.m and only at 10:30 p.m were ready to leave, so I decided that the best would be to go to Galeria Café Libro, a salsa bar which I had heard good things about and happened to be located very close to our hotel and where one could also have dinner. When we arrived, I felt again at home: the nice decoration and pleasant set up, with some people sitting down and eating while the majority was already hitting the dance floor, stepping according to what the speakers were dictating. But after the initial enchantment, I realised that even in the capital the salsa scene was a repetition of what I had already seen one year before in different cities in Colombia: that people go out in groups and girls only dance with the men who are within it. So after a very nice meal and a couple of hours of amazing music, we took the decision of heading home, since not only were tired but we knew that we would not reap any fruits from that night.

If someone comes to Bogotá, then that person can only end up in one place called Andrés Carne de Rés. What was once a small restaurant which served great steaks on the outskirts of the city, is nowadays a world-wide money-making machine which occupies a whole damn street (!) and its known for its premium service. This means very expensive prices, way above the Colombian average, but also a unique spirit, whose climax comes in the form of the party the restaurant turns into, after people finish their meals.

After a total useless day, we called a cab at 6:30p.m to pick us up at our hotel and one hour later we arrived in the famous restaurant, in which one pays about 7€ just to get in. In the beginning you are welcomed with real hospitality and the staff makes you feel really at home – well the trick is obvious, so that people tend to consume more, but I wonder why there so many business establishments who simply do not put an excellent customer service as their top priority. The food was really good, as well as the cocktails, but since the prices were high and the night would still be long, we tried to enjoy it as much as we could.

Around 10:30 p.m we stood up and started wandering around the place, taking a better look at its unique details and decoration but also checking the talent who was sitting down. And about half an hour later, the party was on: some staff male members came to dance in the main floor, driving everyone wild and into the party mode. On that moment I thought that the night would indeed be unforgettable but, after two hours of walking around and approaching some girls, I realised that most of theme were a Latin elite, meaning people with lots of money who do not give a fuck about foreigners, especially if these are on a budget (as we were, drinking beer instead of appealing cocktails with 50 straws).

But since rejection is my middle name, I kept struggling until I would get some results. And as fortunes favors the bold, there was a moment in which we noticed two nice girls who were clearly above 35 but, before even deciding what to do, I got approached by one of them (while her friend suddenly went somewhere else). Even if she did not have the best body in the world, she was quite cute, and considering what had happened until then, I decided to grab the opportunity. So ten minutes later I was making out with her and, since my friend was not taking any action and was already in a passive mode, I decided to call an Uber and come back to the center of Bogotá. Due to bad logistics – I was in the hotel room with my friend, while my girl was sleeping in the same room with her friend – and because I did not want to pay for extra accommodation that night, I could not seal the deal on that night. But since the girl was really interested on me, she met me on the next day on my hotel – while my friend had gone for a walk – and the rest is just sexual history.

It was another useless Sunday and my friend Luís, who had not enjoyed much Bogotá in the first place, was now really disliking it, even if I was constantly reminding him that in 2018, being in Colombia, in eastern Europe or in the moon, you need to be a warrior, as the easy rewards do not exist anymore (unless you are a social god or star, of course). And exactly because more is never too much, I was already planning to go out on that night, since Monday was a holiday. I had heard about this place Theatron, one of the biggest clubs in Latin America, which was also gay-friendly. This can scare many guys away but my life experience tells me that these types of places are generally good, as gays take their girl friends out, who are on the other hand much more open (aka easy) than the normal “club girls”.

So after two hours insisting with Luis, I was finally able to convince him and around 11 p.m we were arriving in this dodgy area of the city, where one could clearly see the difference to the safe “Zona Rosa”, where we were staying at. Furthermore, the club was not gay-friendly but actually TOTALLY gay, which helped even more in bettering the mood of Luis. We came in and felt like two hot women in a normal club, with all the guys staring at us with no shame whatsoever. But after the initial shock, we started looking for opportunities, as once in a while we would spot a girl who was physically decent.

One hour later, there was a big titty older girl (she was around 40), who was perhaps a 5, but who was looking at us with that sexual desire which leaves no space for misinterpretation. Not coincidentally, some minutes after she approached us. And even if she was nice and fun, she was far from attractive, so our radars were still scanning everything around. And it was in one of these scans that I spotted a super hot brunette, with one of the sexiest figures I had seen so far in my trip. My eyes immediately locked on her and in my mind there was only the idea of approaching her. I waited for the perfect timing and bam…ten minutes later there I was in front of her “Hello, I am Andreas”, while giving out my hand to shake hers. But, surprise of the surprises, there was a moment in which she realized that the first girl – the one who had approached us – kept looking at me and so she said “hey, that girl can not take your eyes from you, so you know what?” And she just kissed me. This Mexican was not only hot outside but also inside and I remember thinking that Bogotá was being too good to be true – while being the total opposite to my friend Luis.

We went downstairs, with her and her group of gay friends (there was also another girl but who was above 40 but who obviously did not arouse the interest of Luis) and, after some moments of nice fun and of me getting literally hard – since she was bumping her ass on my crotch while dancing reggaeton – Luis initiated his finally tantrum, since there were already some guys surrounding him and touching him in a sneaky way. I tried to convince the girl to come with me, but her friends did not allow it, saying that instead I could go with them to their place in the north of Bogotá. But since we had a flight to Manizales on the day after, and because I was suspicious of the whole situation, I eventually took the decision of going home with Luis, not wetting my dick on that lovely lady.

So in three nights I banged one girl and I hooked up with another one (whom curiously I could meet and bang two weeks later in Mexico, when I was in Playa del Carmen). If I consider that the first night we actually just sat down and so was not actually considered going out, I had a success rate of 100%. Ok, it is true that both girls were not Colombian but who cares? They were attractive and did not have a penis, so in the end what matters is being in a place where women actually take action/follow your lead – which is the case of Bogotá, as people come here mostly to have fun – instead of going out and being among locals who won’t do shit.

The (clever) Solution

By now it should be quite self-explanatory what the solution for Colombia is: if it does not working during the night, then it can only work during the day. But while this is true, it is a too simplistic vision, so it is important to break it down.

First of all, Colombians are very proud of their culture and country. Meaning that the moment you respect and assimilate that, the better. In practical terms, you should not only learn Spanish, in order that you communicate in-depth with the people, but also share some of the activities they like to do. Needless to say that having meals together or going out in groups and listen to latin music is almost a religion for the Colombians. And talking about music, it is important that you know (and more important, that you like) how to dance these rhythms, especially salsa and reggaeton. If you really have real interest in the people and in knowing their culture, the more things will return to you, preferably in the shape of hot, young girls.

Secondly, you can go for online game – which I do not do – or simply approach girls during the day – which I do and prefer, since it is a natural thing, especially in Latin America – but make sure that girls do not perceive you as a tourist who is just using easy tricks to get them into his bed. Of course that this can work with a couple of casual sluts, but in 99,9% of the times you will not be succesful. Why? Because Colombians base everything they do on relationships and women are, obviously and above all, not an exception. Also, bear in mind that even if you get ultra confident with women and run the numbers game, that will not mean much and you will still get a lot of flakes. I could give you several reasons why this happens, but it does not really matter: simply take into account that words here have “little weight” and that in the end what a girl writes or tell does not usually match her actions.

And this leads us to the last, most important point of them all: you must find a social circle or more to be successful among women. If this is true everywhere, in Colombia it is ten times truer. I do not care if you need to make friends with one hundred guys, to enroll in the most expensive gym in town or simply to attend salsa lessons in a famous dancing school, just do something which involves many people. Anytime you get acquainted with someone, being a guy or a girl (of course you want to make sure that these people are social), “explore” that relationship as best as you can, being by hanging out with these people or accepting any kind of invitation that they do to you. By getting in a social circle, and since Latin people always know many other people, you will eventually see doors open to a reality of endless possibilities – which, by the way, also includes girls flaking much less on you.

Colombia requires time. Of course that you can be lucky and have some girls who are either into tourists or do not give much importance to the above facts but, if you want to increase your odds of having fun with local women, then you have to prepare to spend at least three weeks in a city. I know that most of the guys will neither have the possibility nor the patience or even the money to stay this long abroad but hey, I am not the one who makes the rules of the game. If in the end you want to experience the real Colombia, then you have to sacrifice a part of your most valuable asset and spend it in a way that you can extract the maximum of this country.