I have just returned from a one week holiday with my father, my sister and her daughter, who is one year and three months old. Since my sister and I live very far away from each other – she in North America, I in Europe – this was the perfect opportunity to get together with family, which of course would include spending some time with my cute niece, who I had only seen live once and already one year ago.

Beforehand, I was expecting some nice time together and of course some small conflicts, especially because a baby is someone who needs surveillance 24/7, a fact which naturally increases the level of stress among the adults who take care of the child.

What I did not expect though, was that this gathering would make me realize about the unlikely resemblance between an infant’s and a woman’s behavior. But before you start claiming that I am going nuts, let me give you the reasons of why I have reached this conclusion:

Being emotionally unstable

Every adult has this genuine but confused smile while interacting with a baby (let us call someone who can emit sounds but still does no articulate any word and shits in his or her pants without showing any signs of regret). The former just follows the emotional carousel of the latter, who is either happy or sad, laughing or crying, in bliss or just in deep sadness, during a short period of time.

Maybe they are hungry and just need the right dosage of milk into their veins. Or maybe they are just tired and need a good recovering sleep. Or maybe they are cold and just need that you put an extra blanket on their bed. Or maybe their teeth are hurting and, just like an animal, you can never guess the reason of their moaning.

Basically, you never know what they want. Women, even if they can talk and have an independent life, suffer from the same disease.

They wake up and scream in anger in front of the mirror because they do not like the combination of their clothes; but then they just apply their new lipstick and they are happy as hell.

Afterwards, they get hysterical because they can show off their new pair of shoes to the other girls in the office, to get crestfallen five minutes later when their boss points out something which they did not do correctly.

Later, they leave the office, get a sunbeam on their face and immediately make a post in Facebook saying that their life is amazing but only the people who deserve it are allowed to be in it.

At night, they are fucked hard by their Latin lover, feeling the slutiest but at the same time the freest women on the face of earth, to then feel depressed and cry secretly in the toilet, before they go to sleep.

Getting bored very easily

To keep a baby interested can be the hardest of the jobs. Let us say it is the first time you see a specific one: you look at him and he returns the look with a genuine laugh. This laugh can last for a couple of minutes but then it is likely that it will not return again. So you start making strange, funny faces at the baby who starts laughing like crazy.

But what was cool ten minutes ago is not anymore and you find yourself making stupid sounds and gestures, mimicking some animal and basically looking like a retarded, if spotted from the outside. Your normal tools are over so you need to get creative , which means finding some objects or toys to keep the baby interested on your acts.

First you grab any given object within your reach and the baby makes that concentrated look, to quickly lose interest. So you withdraw the phone from your pocket and suddenly the little thing gets flabbergasted by the glow and brightness of the small equipment. But a couple of minutes and a crashed smart phone later, the baby gets restive and demands some action and movement, so you start throwing some balls and toys in the air, just to watch a moment of juvenile climax.

In the end, you do not know what else you can do because the baby is already playing with other people, putting you in the background.

Already imagining the analogy with women, right? Well if this used to be true twenty years, it is twenty times truer nowadays: you must be an entertainer to keep a woman’s attention.

Having a nice smile and look worked pretty fine when you met her. But then you understood that you needed more to keep her engaged, so you started boosting your text messages skills so that you could game her via text.

In the beginning small jokes worked just fine, but then you realized that you needed to go up a level and started using some teasing to get quick responses from her. Then when you finally meet her at a cool bar, she smiles a lot, you escalate on her and are able to take her home, where the sex is great.

Fast forward two months and the places you used to take her are no longer fun. The way you fuck her must be rougher and rougher, otherwise she will just dump an “I have seen better from you” in the end.

So you just begin thinking about new options and plans, and start innovating because you know that if you keep playing the same tape, sooner or later she will look for another player.

Making a scene when they do not get what they want

My niece has done this, your daughter has done this, and your sister’s son will do this: they will cry out loud whenever you go against their wishes or wills.

The baby wants to grab your phone but you take it away. Or perhaps the little thing wants to be on mother’s lap but, because she needs to go to the toilet, you replace her for a couple of minutes. Or let us say that you are giving the dinner to the infant but suddenly he or she realizes the much tastier meal you are taking.

For any of the situations described and for a wider range of them, prepare for a loud, endless weeping. One trait common to all the babies, irrespective of background, origin and race, is the one of throwing a tantrum whenever you go against their will.

Sounds familiar to any of the women you have had relationships with? I suppose it does.

Remember when you wanted to invite your friends to your place, to have a real men’s moment, watching football and having a couple of beers, but she vehemently refused it, because then the house would be a mess?

Or what about your vain attempt to schedule some holidays in the south of Spain because in the end it would be much more affordable but equally fun and sunny as going to the overpriced Seychelles, but she never changed her mind and almost obligated you to choose the latter?

Or what do you have to say when your girlfriend was crazy about that incredible, unique pair (already the 30^th in her personal collection) of shoes which she just “needed to buy”, even when you tried to dissuade her by using reasonable arguments, but to which she did not ever consider once?

Making a scene, especially in the presence of others

Have you ever noticed the remarkable capacity little children have in noticing others, particularly checking that adults are spotting them on a specific moment? It seems that their worst, most annoying tantrums are released only in the presence of others, as if they just needed some witnesses to their pain.

If you are wondering about what to say, please do not refrain from it: yes, babies are pure and simply attention seekers! Just as the soccer player who makes a theater scene and throws himself onto the ground inside the box to “steal” a penalty – and sneakily looks at the referee right afterwards to check whether he took the bait – the baby always make sure that, before crying and make a scene as if the world would end on that exact moment, an audience is watching him or her.

The same goes with women – but not such in an obvious way which leads to the fact that many guys do not even realize it.

For instance, you are in some store and you know that your woman is interested in a certain item. Well, basically and magically, she will become the best friend of the shop assistant, since she is quite aware of the power of building a social connection with someone who can testify and support her choice. And even if she is not making a scene on a surface, she is applying “all the pressure within” in order that all of her wishes are fulfilled.

But if you want a clearer example, think about when a woman is blowing off a guy: if she is alone, she can of course say she is not interested or just smile and ignore him, but there will never be a big fuss about that.

On the other hand, if she is surrounded with girl friends or just within her social group, think the variety of outcomes which may come from there: the “nicest” version would be to tell you “hey do not bother me, don’t you see I am with friends?!”, because in reality you would have a high probability of receiving a very aggressive “fuck off” (to then be commented and laughed among her friends) or even to be accused of abuse of something similar. Which could then, of course, lead either to a bunch of gorillas putting you out of the club or to have the police questioning you about your actions.

Just doing exactly the opposite of what you tell them to

Oh these innocent beings, they are the most wonderful and tender thing in the world! Well they are, but they can also be wicked as hell, especially when they are not newborn babies anymore and they start already to gain some social skills. What then happens is that if you insist or keep asking for something to be done, they just turn the back on you.

Let us put the pacifier on the mouth to stop the tantrum? Oh no, he will just turn the face to the other side!

You try to tell your lovely daughter to eat but in the end she just closes her mouth and even spits the food all over the table.

When in a sunny day at the beach, you tell your restive son neither to throw the objects into the water nor to take his cap off, but that is exactly what he does and if you put the cap on or prevent him from throwing objects away, then the all beach will be “alerted” about his dissatisfaction.

The truth is that babies possess this “neediness” detector, just as women do. Too much has already been said about this topic, but it is never too late to refer how women react and even obey much more to men who simply do not give them so much importance or even do not care about them.

For instance, a couple of years ago when I had my last “official girlfriend”, I remember that in the first times she was totally crazy about me and I was simply either playing with her or ignoring her. The moment I really started caring about her and gaining respect for her, was the exact moment which I began losing her.

Another great example is the one I have with my Mexican lover: she is the typical Latin woman who can immediate feel the weakness in a man, in every kind of situation. Basically this girl is very rebel and she loves to do exactly the opposite of what I tell her to. “Put your slippers on when you are at home”…the next thing you notice is her walking around barefoot. And if I insist on it, even worse. So if on the other hand I say: “hey, it will be the last time I tell you to put them on”, and then totally switching my actions and energy to something else, it is exactly when she finally puts them on without any resistance.

So after showing the analogy between a baby and a grown up girl, let me give you the solutions or simply the mindset you must have when interacting with any of the two:

• See the instability as the Caribbean weather: first, it is something you can not change so just live with it. Then, realize that it changes a lot throughout the day – it can go from sunny with blue sky to a total storm –  but it will eventually soothe and everything will be back in order on the day after.

  As an extra tip, If they make a scene just for the sake of it, try to distract the baby with a candy or a new toy that they will easily forget about the previous state.

  Regarding women, things are not so linear but try to think about something which would help you alleviate from a difficult situation and just suggest it (e.g.: “hey you know what, I am not for arguing or discussing, let us go dancing a little bit”).

• Getting bored very easily? Do not commit the mistake of giving more and more because there will be a moment in which you will have no capacity to be always following up all the demands of the other party. Instead, do your best but understand that regarding emotional states everything is temporary, so get used to all the complaining and moaning and do not get overwhelmed by it.

  Regarding a relationship with any female, what you must do is never to settle in the sense of losing your qualities: keep yourself in shape, be adventurous, dress well. Aside from that, if she is never satisfied, let her go because you want a woman on your side, not a teen burden;

• Making a scene when they do not get what they want? If there is a moment where a person (in this case a man) needs to be strong, that one is in the presence of a baby. I know it is not easy to see them crying endlessly, especially because you never know what the problem might be. But if you realize there is no reason for it and they are doing a scene just for the sake of it, simply accept the fact and be rational around it.

  So basically be firm in your decision and, if not more important, be consistent about it. For instance, if a girl you are having regular sex with offends you and you tell her to fuck off, because you simply do not tolerate such behavior, then you must keep that “decision”.

  If, on the other hand, you become “thirsty” and you just send her a message a couple of days later to pass by your house, you may have the bang on that night…but you will for sure lose the respect of this woman and she will sooner or later make another or even worse scenes to you;

• Making a scene, especially in the presence of others? Perhaps even more difficult than the previous point, here the only thing you must do and stick to it is to really ignore them.

  But guess what? Both babies and women are emotional beings so if you try to come up with a rational explanation and make an effort to understand the reason of it, you will get confused and basically it will backfire the entire situation. They are attention seekers and always have this all-seeing-eye to check when somebody is noticing them.

  So while babies use their most powerful tool – tantrum – women are much subtler and have of course other much more complex means but the bottom line is in any case the same: they put the pressure on you in order that you fulfill their whim. So instead of going with their flow, ignore them until they chill out! The must important thing is that you must never give in and always keep your frame.

• If you insist or become annoyed asking for something to be done, they just turn the back on you. Do you see the connection with being needy? Again, the formula is comprehensive to all the previous points: just get cooler but at the same time more assertive and I promise that you will see sudden, magical behavioral changes.

  It is always better to tell one thing once in a harsh way than the exact same thing ten times in a mild tone.

  Both babies and women respect a man who gives a firm commandment and tend to ignore and disrespect people who repeat themselves (subconsciously is a sign of a weakness since their brain is just telling them: “if this person is saying the same thing over and over, it is because it is not so important so I can just keep the same behavior too”).

This one week holiday which I just came from was actually a very interesting finding or perhaps just a confirmation of something we already know about for a long time: that women, due to their emotional structure, never really grow up, as a mindful one can notice by looking at their personal behavior and the way they relate with others (it is not a big secret that humans are social beings but this even truer for women).

So if you always want to have the respect and obedience both from your sweet child and from your beloved woman, make sure that not only you remain totally grounded – which means that you completely avoid to enter the same extreme emotional states as they do – but also that you are assertive and consistent, by the means of taking firm decisions and sticking to them.

In the end, only by using such a method, you will be able to control both your offspring and your sexual partner, which will allow you to have fewer headaches and many more moments of joy and satisfaction.